She’s after me. That annoying, darned fly.
One of the few remnants of a much too warm, but completely magical autumn. He penetrates my head over and over again, whirrs loudly into my ear and just won’t leave me alone in my mourning.
As if she wanted to scare me up, force me to get up again, convince me that life is beautiful and dazzling.
As if she wanted to hum loudly into my tired ear to finally believe in all my own words. To the fireworks in my head and heart that I wrote about just a few days ago on Instagram over there.
Which was present at that very moment and filled my heart with warmth and gratitude. Gratitude to have this wonderful family, these fantastic children. Gratitude to be alive!
And as if they wanted to do the same to her, now sunbeams tickle my nose as well. Outside the sky is bright blue and I just shouldn’t be lying here now. Should go out on this free morning available to me, on these three hours! To suck the fresh air into me and to move me. Inhale and exhale and do sports. All alone, only me outside at the lake.
The way I like to do it, I have the opportunity to do it.
But today I cannot.
Because I just want to sink. Here on the couch, the blanket pulled deep over my head. I don’t want to perceive everything around me, I want to rest and fade out. I don’t want to be an hour (that’s how long I set my mobile phone alarm clock)!
All I want to hear is my own heartbeat, the sounds of breathing and not a fly! Because to hunt even this one: I am too tired for it.
I slept terribly bad the last days. Worries and thoughts tormented me, kept me awake until late at night, drove me to ghost monotonously through the house and simply not to find the way to my own bedroom. But I have to function and be there for my children. A functioning and above all happy mother! Full of energy, confidence and zest for action.
Not overtired and with a painful soul.
Because it is the soul that burns!
Things that burden me and despite all openness don’t want to be shared by me here on this blog. Things I can’t write about!
People who ignore me and in spite of all my well-intentioned attempts on my part, in spite of all my accommodations, in spite of all my feelings, slam the door in front of me.
Disappointments, rain, setbacks and decisions I made.
The path I have turned into, now it seems a little dark to me at the moment, makes me doubt and shiver and may not really convince me to march on tightly. Too many branches whip my face, stones lie in the way and let the light shine only weakly through the thicket.
I currently remain in shock rigidity, deprive myself of any energy and have to pause for a moment.
I just have to rest and breathe!
And so I stubbornly continue to listen to my own heartbeat, because the hoped-for short sleep, the healing power nap in the morning, may not occur on command.
The sleep deficit will probably accompany me through this day, but I hope a little for recovery and regeneration.
Yes, the soul may heal again. She is exhausted and sadly lets tears run down her cheek. I am plagued by self-reproaches and open questions and sink down on the soft couch. Because when something is sickly and has to heal, then the body needs sleep and the possibility to come to rest.
And even if sport is otherwise a fantastic way to do this and temporarily releases the most luminous feelings of happiness, I consciously choose this path today.
It is a restless heartbeat, things plague me. Things I can’t always be above!
One of my favourite songs is “Mitten unterm Jahr” (“In the middle of the year”) by Christina Stürmer.
I don’t like German-language songs so much, but I’ve heard this one more often in the last few hours. Because also music heals and can help to understand. The self, the others.
Maybe I interpret a lot into this text, too much.
But it has already helped me a lot a few times.
Although you can interpret it from two different perspectives.
I find it simply wonderful and will use individual phrases in this text of mine.
Because it replenishes and caresses my soul.
Because it admits her the short rest, but then again the motherly mind would like to move to continue!
By the way, I think that’s what ties people who really suffer from depression to their bed.
The miserable desire and urge to heal the soul.
Well, one hour should be enough for me.
The fly has won!
Fifteen minutes before the cell phone alarm clock rings, I get back on my feet.
The crown is just a bit crooked, just wants to be adjusted.
Outside the sun shines damn well and offers me the opportunity to spend a wonderful afternoon with my children!
Yes, I think I will really accompany the middle daughter on a dog walk today. Just leave the household.
I want to roam through the meadows and taste life again, I want to press these wonderful creatures firmly against me and stand with both legs in life again. Be fully there and just “stand over it“!
I would like to meet life again “with a laugh and only measure myself against myself“!
Just as the lyrics of this song say. I don’t want to be a winner and emulate others. Because “the world is the way you see it“!
And I’ll fucking see the fireworks in the sky again!
And the radiance in the eyes of my children!
My soul is strong enough not to get stuck on this old couch and to be pulled down by other people who might “snow in the middle of the year“!
My soul is a fighter!
Just like any mother who loves her children above all else in the world!
I am a mother who can “straighten things out” and who is “strong enough to be small“. Because actually the world outside is “crystal clear“!
Your dear Alex
I’d like to tell you something about the eyes in the cover of this blog:
My eyes. These eyes that look a little thoughtful. And also sad. Because during that shoot about two years ago I felt a similar sadness as I do today. I think the photographer succeeded very well in capturing this moment. And although this is a family blog, I still think this picture fits. Never changed it.
Because there is a lot about me in it. My emotions, thoughts and feelings. Completely unembellished and now and then dramatically philosophical!
That’s me! So am I!
And now I finally get up! 😉